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| Astra |
You might not believe that a dog could be a major part of understanding pain and managing it, but Astra’s influence on me has become a recurring theme. Astra is a resident alien in my life. Astra, a female Labrador, is my son’s dog. I have known her for most of her 13 yrs of life. She is suffering from old age and serious osteoarthritis and hip issues. Since she is a hunting dog, she has always remained out doors with her fellow canines.
When I moved to this small town it appeared that she had less than six months to live. I over-identified with her struggles and felt I had no choice but to try to make her life easier until the end so I brought her to live with me. I am not a dog person and already had a cat, Bandit so I was not prepared for living with her. I think I believed it would be like living with my mother in her last days.
Astra is a big dog takes up a great deal of my living space. The adjustment hasn't been easy for any of us. She has been with me almost 2 months now and I am surprised at how much effect she has on my life. Despite the difficulties, she has improved my as I have improved hers. The improvement is what is most surprising.
Astra wants company in the morning, which for her begins about 5:30 am while my preferred time to wake up is 7 am. She has learned that she can whine and I will shortly get up. To say the least Astra’s needs are an imposition.
There are only 1-2 days a month that I wake up without significant pain and I cherish those days, as many of you will understand. Today was not one of them. This morning was very cool, about 37 degrees and very wet as we had welcomed rain yesterday. My pain is poorly controlled until 2 hours after getting up but Astra's whining and soft, throaty “wump” eventually got me up at 6:30 am. I climbed into my cheap plastic clogs, thick fleece jacket, scarf, and pj’s and opened the door thinking she needed to use go out since using the bathroom is the first thing on my mind when I wake up. Not surprisingly, she didn’t need to go out but just wanted me to get up so she would be more content as she went back to sleep. For me, going back to bed when I have pain is not an option.
I struggle with a lot of obsessive thoughts leading to guilt because I can’t do everything I feel I should. I tell myself that I should spend this quiet time by doing spiritual reading, meditating, practicing my self-hypnosis, therapy exercises, cooking healthy a breakfast, or any other task but what I actually do. I turn on the television. It would be more forgivable if I watched the news but I don’t have cable, satellite or over-the-air service. I made a decision to do without the costly services and we are to far away from broadcasting stations to get free television. It was going to be a trial but with Internet service and a computer, I am managing fairly well. (This will be one of the tricks of saving money I will talk about in the future.)
About two hours later Astra wants to go out and luckily I am feeling better. This is the time when I value her most. Her limitations and age have taken away her ability to play like a younger dog and she generally plods along with her head low but on this mornings she has her nose in the air and stops to look around. She reminds me that there is so much to in the world to take in. She is smelling the cat that walked by earlier, the two German Shepherds across the street, the wet grass that holds so many odors, the garbage can that hasn't been emptied yet, and so many other smells that I am unaware of. Her eyes are brighter and she is aware of her world more vividly than usual. I stop and I look up and begin to see the world more vividly also. This awareness doesn't last forever, and sometimes pain interferes, but I believe that this comforting feeling of being in touch with more than myself will return.
